


Unfortunate Realizations

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humor, Masturbation, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-12 02:38:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3340478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister is finding it hard to come to terms with some of the recent revelations about his origins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unfortunate Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> Just a silly little humorous ficlet, set during the latter half of series VII. 
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together.

The rhythmic sounds of Starbug's purring engine clashed unharmoniously with the groans and grunts coming from the sleeping quarters. Occasionally, the tiny craft would increase the volume of its thrumming, like a car engine being revved, and the gutteral emissions would be masked. It almost seemed that the ship itself was desperately trying to drown out the embarrassing biological noises, but in reality, the engines were just badly in need of some tuning.

Dave Lister lay in his bunk, the near darkness of the sleeping quarters cloaking the fact that he was nude, and grappling with himself like a Turkish wrestler. A sheen of sweat dotted a glimmering landscape across his skin as he urgently thrust into his own hand. Lister arched his back, pressing his round buttocks firmly into the mattress while animalistic grunts continued to pour from his lips like candy from a piñata.

"Oh hell, oh smeggin' hell," Lister groaned as he kept feeling his orgasm slipping away from him. He was so close. _So_ close. Then it was gone. A groan of frustration puffed from his lips as he pulled on himself harder. He wrapped one hand firmly around his balls, and slid his foreskin up and down at a feverish pace as he tried coax himself back to the edge.

Lister closed his eyes, his long lashes brushing against his cheeks as he tried to focus his thoughts. Kochanski swirled in his mind for a moment. Her full, firm breasts, her easy smile, and that _look_ she used to give him when her lips were wrapped around his cock. He moaned at the mental picture until his brain hissed viciously in his ear, "She's your _Mum_ you sick bastard." Lister's hand stalled as the image of Kochanski burst like a soap bubble. He groaned, and ran a hand over the top of his head as he lamented the unfairness of it all. Kochanski, the girl with a face like a slot machine hitting a jackpot, and a backside as round as any moon. Clearly the universe was out to get him, because she had to wind up being his mum.

Lister shook his head and resumed his self-administrations. His mind flicked through images and scenes like an automated Rolodex: bare breasts, firm backsides, lips clamped around him, his cock disappearing slowly into tight hot wetness. An image flared into his mind with vivid clarity. A warm mouth pressed against his, a tongue exploring the inside of his mouth with wild desperation, a wandering hand rubbing against the enormous tent in his trousers. Lister lost himself in the image as a fresh dribble of pre-cum spilled from the tip of his aching cock. He wrestled with himself as he wrestled with the person who was kissing him. Teeth nipped playfully at lips while the hand against his cock rubbed him to ecstasy. Lister slid his hands up the shiny material covering the well-muscled shoulders and threaded his fingers through a mess of wiry brown curls.

"That's _Rimmer!_ What the smeg is wrong with you?" Lister's brain cried out, and his hand stalled on his prick again. He seethed and groaned heavily, as he desperately tried to push the image of his old bunkmate from his mind.

Lister sighed and ran his wrist over his forehead, daubing away the salty sheen. There had to be something he could think of, something that would just help him finish so he could get some smegging relief. He tried to dredge up his dirtiest, most depraved sexual fantasies, but he was coming up blank. A pair of superbly-flared nostrils kept creeping their way back into his thoughts, and Lister grimaced as he tried to ignore them. What was wrong with him? He was desperately, painfully horny. What was stopping him from getting the job done? Lister continued to stroke himself listlessly, his cock screaming out for release, but his heart just wasn’t in it. He tried to focus, but his mind was spinning with everything that had happened lately. Rimmer going off to become the next Ace, Kochanski coming back, the horrible revelations of his own parental lineage. Lister sighed heavily as he bemoaned the mess that was his own paradoxical destiny. The woman he’d pined after for years was his own mother, and he was his own father. The more he thought about it, the more it made his head hurt as the logic just never seemed to add up.

Suddenly Lister’s mind piped up, “If you’re you’re own dad, does that make this some sort of creepy incest?” He looked down at himself and dropped his cock like it was a venomous snake. He let out a strangled cry of disgust. If it were possible for a brain to vomit, Lister’s would have spewed chunks from every available orifice. His cock shrank against his thigh, shriveling slowly like a leaky balloon. Lister stood up, and dejectedly headed for the shower stall, determined to take the longest, coldest shower of his life.


End file.
